may talk about heavier things

my feathers withered

[2.2.22; 10:39pm] hi! me again. today i was supposed to have work but my coworker took my shift. im so depressed! i cant even put into words how awful im feeling so ill just talk about the nice things that have happened recently. ive made a lot of new friends and have really started to be more social online. im still a wreck irl but i love talking to ppl. thats all. i frogto waht i was going to write bc i was writing this an hour ago but my sister made me buy her a little plushie of a tokyo revengers guy.

[1.30.22; 6:40pm] hii its me again. idk what im gonna do it now lol. i dont know how some people, even tho theyre super depressed, keep living. genuinely at this point the only thing keeping me going is my friends and the owed artwork i still have to finish. i just feel dissatisfied with life, like sometimes i get so depressed that i cant even bring myself to cry. all i can do is lay there and wallow in all those deep thoughts. even if i become a failure to my parents and they make me go back to in-person school, nothing will change. everything and everyone around me is changing and growing and moving with time but i havent changed. ive never changed once. im so depressed that i cant even bring it into words anymore, its just like i cant feel happy. there are moments where i feel joy and moments where i laugh and have a good time but im never really happy. im just running away. im too scared to take the first step into anything except for things i already like/am good at. i dont think i will ever be as happy as i was when i was a child with no thoughts. i hope that when and if i ever kill myself, i can redo it all again from the beginning. to restart and do everything i was too afraid or disliked to do. my one wish is to start over again and be better. SORRY. this got rlly depressing again. if you read my diary and you ever feel bad, just want to let you know that im writing these out of my own accord, not for attention. you dont have to say anything, you can just read it, take a peek into my mind. i dont mind.

[1.24.22; 2:05pm] hnnn just wanted to say im fine and doing ok. i just go through a lot of intense mood swings so when im at my highest, its my highest. and when im at my lowest, im at my absolute lowest. im usually fine i just come here to vent when im going through it yk.. anyways im really glad ive been able to make new friends and break out of my shell more. things have been great actually, im just a moody person.

[10:20pm] opening up to people is so scary. i hate being vunerable. it feels like im giving my entire heart into the hands of someone else, its scary. i dont want to be alone but im too scared to open up.
[10:08pmpm] ahh god i feel like crying again. my dad keeps saying "i raised you all for nothing" and "you guys are no longer my kids" and it just keeps marinating in my head. i wish i was a failiure so bad. i wish i had been smart enough when i was younger to realize that mental health and school should be balanced. i wish id gotten help earlier. i dont know if im going to graduate or if ill even live to see graduation. my depression keeps getting worse and the only thing that makes me feel better about it is escaping. i hate thinking about the consequences of my own actions. i wish i wasnt me. my throat is burning as well as my eyesm feels like no matter what i do i wontbe happy in my life. im not in control of my life at all, its like someone else is doing everything for me. i cant do anything without my parents permission or help and ive grown to no longer be able to be qithout my family. ive become exactly what my mom wanted me to be. bound to family forever even if im destroying myself.
[9:58pm] before i knew it i caught myself crying haha. feels like no matter what i do, i will always fail. i cant live up to my parents hopes or expecations. if i killed myself theyd be even more disappointed. i feel like no matter what i do it wont matter anyway because it wont ever make anyone happy.
[1.22.22; 8:55pm] hi!! my parents are fighting so im here again. yesterday i met with my therpist again, it was great. he said that if he had to diagnose me, itd be with recurrent major depressive disorder aum. great news for me i guess. i suggested to my therapist that my family get famiyl therapy or something bc my entire family is nuts and majority of them have mentall disorders but my mom managed to talk my therpist out of it :/ this is why i specifically didnt want a therpist that spoke the same language as my mom bc she's convincing to them and they end up not listening to me. my mom has done this multiple times where she will try to get me out of doing therapy or help by "speaking for" me. its really annoying. in other news i rewatched the original tinker bell movie and shes kind of a bitch ngl. i dont have work for the week bc my siblings got covid so i think ill watch some anime. i hate hate hate thinking i wish i could stop thinking. i want to live in a different world. i wish all the fantasies in my head were real. uughhh this family is turning me mental.

[1.12.22; 10:49am] ok hi im here again. i know i said its bad to talk abt ppl behind their backs but this is someone i dont give a fuck about. i honestly think my brother was the catalyst for all my trauma and problems at a young age. thats a different story but i just wanna talk about how he is recently. i dont talk to my brother, we dont act like siblings. i only speak to him when i need to or to fill silence really. hes so seflish. all he ever does is complain about other people and blame evverything on everyone else when in reality hes the problem. the day i helped him get a job, he blamed me for "telling him so late" (when literally it was the same fucking day i got the offer) and that it was my fault he couldnt prepare in time like WHAT? hes so dumb oh my god man. this is why i hate people like him, i recognize their behavior immediately and i end up really disliking them. my brother leeches off people and depends on others for EVERYTHING. all he ever does is blame everyone else for all his failiures like bro THIS is why you have no fucking friends and no one likes you. literally he screams at his friends when he plays games with them, i mean like smashing his computer kind of screaming. he throws a tantrum everytime something doesnt go his way and cries when someone tells him the suck it up. not only this shit but my brother still thinks he fucking rules our house or some shit like no one here fucking listens to you because we dont like you. hes always like "why doesnt anyone want to talk to me" BECAUSE YOU ACT LIKE THIS BRUH. YOURE SO ANNOYING. i dont know what goes thru ppls minds when they act like this and dont see how its wrong or how theyre affecting the ppl close to them. its exactly THIS that drives ppl away from u and makes ppl dislike u fucking idiot. he also is so critical of everyone else BUT HE DOESNT SAY SHIT ON HIMSELF. for example we keep our cats in our basement bc they have fleas so we're trying to isolate them while we get rid of them and my brother thinks he fucking knows whats best and is always saying "go let them play out in the house!!" this is why u fucking have flea bites bro. literally. i tell him this shit and he STILL thinks hes right. they have toys bro, we play with them when we can and we give them baths as often as we need to. its like no matter what anyone in my family does, its never satisifies him. narcissistic behavior lol. i hate people who are critical of others but ignore every single bad thing theyve done. "ur so mean to me why dont u talk to me!!" also them: literally verbally abuses their friend. like u WONDER why no one wants to talk to u bruh!!

[1.4.22; 12:53pm] hmm i was checking around and saw something i thought was quite funny hehe. i live rent free in your head. i know you're here.

[1.3.22; 9:15pm] its getting late and im a little tired but heres a happy vent. recently ive been doing somehwat better. mood swings are still in full swing but im in a good mood rn. ive been having a lot of fun playing video games and just drawing and having fun with new friends and old ones. it just feels like lately ive been connecting with both my past and current reality and its rlly rejuvinating. anyways. tonight i will watch the final episode of keita hatsukoi! im very excited. i love the manga and the live action is amazing. i love the things they switched up to make it more realistic or fit better w reality. i also love how aoki is taller than iida in the live action haha. thats all. goodnight.

[7:22pm] after a very long mental battle and thought ive decided to take a break from social media unless for business purposes because honestly im becoming so paranoid that its giving me head and sotmach aches and a lot of very unwelcomed stress. idk how long its gonna last bc im online wayyy to much but yea. im way too in over my head abt shit and its making me stressed. i feel bad for my newer friends tho bc .. aughh i dont want to worry them andthey dont know whats oging on. ive only opened up to 1 person aside from my sister abt whats stresseing me and hoenstly. yea. i think there are some things i need to definitely clear up and get over with before get back online again. just need to build up the courage to do those things.
[1.1.22; 11:51am] happy new years! im getting into this new closed species called poffins on toyhouse, they so cute. i want to make a new oc for them so im thinking a lot. also if anyone wants TH codes i have some lol.

[12.31.21; 6:25pm] hi! i thought that i had therapy today but i didnt so im back on here haha. ive been thinking about making the cat shrine page soon because i love my cats. anyways im pretty hungry and im starting to think i have an eating disorder lol. not like, on purpose. i just forget to eat. when i was on a trip, i looked at myself in the mirror and god DAMN im unhealthily skinny. also ive been having frequent mood swings and psychosis again tee hee. im trying not to air everything online so thats all i'll say. im considering taking a long break from social media or just lik. idk interacting with people because its put such a toll on my mental health + being around this 1 person makes me so anxious im extremely paranoid around them and worried theyre like. spying on me or something haha. one time im really worried about is that they'll try to 'expose' my past because i used to be a horrible person. im still working on being better and having a better mindset than before so i know ive changed, im just worried it will ruin my connections and reputation because i also take commissions for extra money. right now im trying not to worry about it and just thinking about how nice my therapist is. OH also ive been doing a little bit of self care (secret) hehe. been listening to a lot of my fav kpop group, MCND. my sister introduced me to them when they first debuted and i LOVE them so much. absolutely in love with all of them. my fav is win tho, i just. yea. he makes me so happy. every time i see them or listen to them it feels like all my problems have gone away. this is my fav of their songs.

the huiwin moment is so sweet, i love huijun and win so much. they all look like theyre genuinely having fun together and are great friends. it makes me feel so happy man

[12.28.21; 9:43pm] sorry for the lack of updates. ive been pretty in-and-out recently. idk what i was trying to say by typing that but basically ive been having frequent mood swings and theyre getting rlly bad. gonna try to set up an apt w a psychiatrist so i can get diagnosed or something even im getting tired of myself having a manic episode and then being completely fine later. i tried to VC with my friends during the past week btu i was feeling so awful and panicky that i couldnt hide it so i just left. ive been having the worst ups and downs and sometimes i wish i could just forget everything. i dont like where i am right now. there are people following me around and getting on my nerves. its so obvious and its making me extremely paranoid. i considered shutting my socials down again and maybe coming back in a few years. the longer i am on the internet, the more paranoid and erratic i start to become. if ive been away for a while, its not because i killed myself or anything. its probably because im too scared to type anything up.

[12.22.21; 10:48am] another day.

[9:42pm] god. im so tired of being alive. this is like; my breaking point. i really cannot deal with anything anymore. i keep thinking about ways i could kill myself without surviving or it being painful because i dont have a gun. im sorry for being so depressing lol. im dealing with so much right now this is awful. i dont know if i can wait until friday for my psychologist meeting. i love a lot of people and things. i love my cats, i love drawing, i love reading, i love my parents, i love my siblings, i love my friends, i love going out, i love shopping and i love being alive. but i just cannot genuinely feel happy anymore. every sliver of happiness is riddled with fear that as happy as i am, i know i will feel just as depressed and awful in a moment. im so tired of living through this awful cycle of elated happiness then awful horrible depression. i just dont feel happy and i cant bring myself to try and care for myself anymore.
[9:28pm] sorry for the erratic posting, im not in my right mind right now. i keep imaigning myself running away to the song "be" by rav. running away from everything. not seeing another day. just being in the moment and taking everything in one at a time. that would be great. i love the verses "You claim I ain't broken and you liken my wounds; To things that you deal with, with ease, I should too; You make me hate me more than I should hate you; It's always you, you, you; But mama, I'm me." because i just. yea. it reminds me so much of myself. i love this song so much. every single lyric in this song i relate to so heavily. i dont have the vocabulary nor the proper writing skills to express just how much i appreciate and love this song, genuinely. every time im upset i listen to it, not to feel sadder or try to uplift myself but because its so relatable to me. if i were to die right now, id probably be ok with it bc im listening to my favorite song. idk anymore. im so tired of everything and everyone. i dont want to deal with anything anymore. im tired of living and being alive, i dont want to grow up and i dont want to be an adult. all i want is quiet, silence. to be by myself. where i dont have to worry about anything or anyone anymore. sorry; my thoughts are becoming scattered sp if what i write sounds off thats it.
[9:24pm] earlier my mom said to me "ive wasted the last 20 years with your dad." and it really hurt me. i started crying but then i realized i dont give a shit anymore. genuinely do not care what happens anymore. if i get fired then so be it, if someone were to cancel me online i wouldnt give a fuck, if right now i were to be stabbed or seriously injured i dont think i would cry or even care. every time this happens to me where i go into a depressive state (again) i just listen to Rav. im so tired of everything i wish it would all disppear.
[9:19pm] im so desensitized to like everything now that i honeslty do not even give a fuck if anything bad happened to me. like i couldnt even cry earlier when my parents were having a shouting match and then i had to help them reconcile. im so tired of everything i literally could not care what happened to me. if i became crippled like RIGHT NOW or paralyzed i couldnt giive a fuck. nothing makes me happy anymore i genuinely cannot feel happy without feeling fear. im so stressed i get awful headaches or stomach aches and im constantly fighiting with my self conscious abt the pros and cons of killing myself. im going through so many things at once that i dont care anymore. if this is what it means to be by myself and be an adult then i dont want to grow up.
[12.21.21; 12:13pm] ok warning 4 mentions of hospitals and needles !! yesterday i had like the abosolute WORST pain in my stomach, it felt so awful that i was breathing heavily and becam disoriented and then i had to go to the hospital. they thought my appendix bursted but im pretty sure it was bc of stress so they let me go home the same night. i hated the IV part bc they first had to poke me 3 times to draw blood bc there wasnt a good vein. and then poked me another 7-8 maybe even more times to try and put an IV in me. turns out in my right arm theres a valve so they couldnt put an IV in there AFTER POKING IT BILLIONS OF ITMES AWUUGHHG ;; then they FINALLY got an IV on my left arm which was fantastic og my god. the nurses were actually really nice and let me talk about my cats and friends to them while i got poked bc i told them i was squimish. i talked a lot abt how me and online friends were super close and even wanted to meet up someday and how we were mailing eachother gifts and stuff. they were gonna do an ultra scan on me to make sure my appendix didnt burst but i told them it mighthve been bc of stress bc i often get stomach aches due to that so they let me off. anyways i hope i never have to go back to a hospital again bc i rlly hate them and it makes me wanna throw up when im in there. auughhh. i probably shouldnt be talking abt this online but this is my own personal blog so whatever ig! u guys get to read all abt my hospital story.

[12:50pm] hmm ive been thinking recently. ive always kinda been unlabeled bc i think that u know. obsessing about labeling urself is kinda dumb, especially when it starts to become more of an accessory instead of trying to figure out your identity. anyways. i used to identify as bi but idk anymore. i like people, but i dont like people like that. im not gonna label myself ace/aro cuz im like. a minor so its not like im gonna be bangin anyone. :| slight shade thrown at little 14 year olds who self proclaim aroace when at that age its perfectly normal and ok not to be thinking or wanting to do that stuff. ive always liked girls, ive known that from a young age. but as ive grown, ive become more open to the thought of dudes. but like i said, its not in 'that' way you know? i feel like in this day and age, ppl my age are way too obsessed with trying to fit in and 'find' themselves. being a teen is part of that growing journey, you dont need to know who u are until ur old. some people are straight, theyre just more open to the idea of being gay, not actually being attracted to the same sex/gender. ppl are throwing around self made definitions without looking at the real picture. i like girls and i like guys. but i wouldnt want to date or kiss a guy. i wouldnt want to date or kiss a girl either. its more like im just open to the thought of it, you know?? if i talk too much im gonna go on a tangent so ill just leave this entry here.
[12.19.21; 12:46pm] hi ;; sorry for all the gloominess i should really update my site huh ahahahhhgh;; ive been so busy lately that my minds become a mess. ill update with new htmls soon ok!! its a promise!!!

[8:42pm] im still really mad about earlier but i started watching clips of my fav kpop ground and everything is fine all of a sudden tee hee. i wish i was the little cat that win opens the cardboard box to bc his smile. awwweeeuuhghhhh .
[3:55pm] bro. i be like: is very clearly mad and upset. my siblings: this is the perfect time to make fun of jared
[3:13pm] genuinely so upset. my mom told me she was gonna cancel my psychologist appointment because she fucking forgot about it and invited her entire family over for dinner. ive been waiting for TWO WEEKS. two weeks so i can finally get the help ive fucking needed for YEARS ever since i was in 5th grade and it's pushed back a week?? i genuinely thinking about killing myself those entire 2 weeks and i have to wait 1 more. i'm so upset and exhausted. it feels like whenever anything good happens to me and im the happiest ill ever be, right after that the worst thing happens and im at my lowest again. its an ongoing cycle and im so sick of living it.
[9:33am] you know what. whoever took my fucking m&m's from my jacket pocket: FUCK YOU. i bought those. they were for me. i am devstated
[12.17.21; 9:10am] hi sorry for being so depressing lmaoo. yesterday was actually rlly poop tee hee. when we were going to my last drivers ed class, my parents got the adress wrong even tho i told them the right one before and they were blaming it on me and calling me stupid so i started yelling and swearing at them lols. im literally going mental on god; like im sooo close to just having a breakdown. i never swear at my parents ever even when i want to. im still mad at them so im not talking to them. i literally cannot wait for my psychologist appointment today so i can just start crying about everything ever. im literally so emotionally exhausted. i think ive said this to every alrdy but i am literally just. so fucking exhausted. im tired of babying grown ass people just bc they want my attention like god fucking damn i have other shit i need to do or want to do. oh my god i also fuckngi hate people who are toxic but dont ever try to change and blame it on everyone else. why do i attract the most toxic ppl ever like. on the verge of kms bc i cant take this anymore bruh.

[10:12am] sorry for being depressing all the time :sob: if u read my diary thats on u, not me. anyways. i'm back on my aobi shit. i love aobi so much. my little skrunkly. my vent and projection oc. my beloved. everytime im sad, i just think about aobi and everythingn is ok again. i love aobi so much i wish she was real;;
[12.16.21; 9:55am] i regret telling my diary that i was happy lmfao. immediately after i went thru the worst mood swing ever and now im #depressed and im here to talk about it Ls. also not related but my older sister told me i sit like L from death note.... i dont know how to feel about that. its not even like. an intentional thing ive been sitting like this for years just bc i dont like sitting w my ass down. back on topic. im so mentally and emotionally exhausted ong. like ppl have been stringing me around, my trust issues have grown even worse, im starting to become paranoid everytime someone w a private acc or little to nothing on their acc follows me. for a moment i was considering deleting all my socials again but i dont want to restart anymore. people want so many things from me but. i have a life too man. i have htings i need to do and stuff i have to finish, AND i also have things i want to do BY MYSELF. i dont want to be with people all the time man, like growing up, despite being surrounded by a big famaily ive always prefered to be alone. i also didnt talk to friends outside of school becuase i liked to spend my time alone. im so fucking exhausted about people literally wanting so much from me but when i want something back theyre like "no.." why do i have to fucking put effort into our relationship if i cant even expect anything back from you?? like u dont have to give it ur all and whatever, im not forcing u to match my energy but when u start literally crying and begging me to do stuff with/for u and do nothing for me back except be aggressive or cold??? cry and whine about it. like honestly. im literally so fucking sick and tired of ppl using me as a doormat. UGHHHH

[12.15.21; 7:47pm] oh my god im so sorry for the lack of updates;; ive been having so much fun recently and ive been super busy as well. i'm swamped w my art queue and trying to do multiple art things at once. but yea ive just been having a lot of fun the past few days. yesterday i showed up to work and stayed for like an hour before realizing that i wasnt scheduled that day and left my coworkers LOL. they were all fine and we had a good laugh but it was a bit embarassing. also i feel like ive become more social and less scary hehe. talking to people, especially people i think are like super cool, has made me a lot less shy and more open to talking to strangers. OH ALSO ;; i used to watch a lot of MADs back in 2019/2020 and i remembered this 1 that i really liked. it's an MAD about the movie "Red Line" and the song is "PLATONIC GIRL" by whoever isk i forgot the band. anyways the song is literally so good and the MAD is too def reccommend. idk why i haven't been updating lately. maybe its because i've been feeling a lot more content with everything as of late. i use this diary as a way to get out my feelings/thoughts and work them out but i havent been feeling that way the past week. also i love my cats theyre so fat and stupid and ugly but so cute.

[8:38pm] ahh god im honestly getting really scared, not related to mental health issues. there's been a huge rise in hate crimes against us asians because where i live, it primarily white and 2% asian. we're very close knitt and we basically know everyone but recently someone close to my sister's friend was beaten to death in a racisl hate crime. this really scares me because a few days ago i had a dream that this crazy racist person tried getting into my cousins house (that i was in, in my dream) and shot into the house and the bullet got lodged in my cousins throat. i dont know why i dreamt of that but it was really scaring hearing them gurgle and moan while trying to speak. i'm really getting scared of living here because the rise in hate crimes against asians iis getting so bad. i remember when the rise of covid started and the ammount of racist memes, posts and crimes were so awful. someone my mom knew got stabbed at a grocery store with his son a while back too. awhghughh im just really scared of being beaten up or killed bc of my race.
[4:20pm] complete coincdence but ive been thiknking a lotttt. i talked to my mom and sisters about this but im pretty sure my mom's family has a history of mental illness and passed it down to us, which is why our family is so dysfunctional. my mom has mentioned to me multiple times that she has diagnosed depression and anxiety but doesn't take medication because she feels like shart when she does. this got me thinking abt when my grandparents (her parents) lived with us, and how much my mom and grandpa would fight. im not an expert and im not diagnosing anyone, but im sure both my mom and her mom have some form of bipolar disorder just bc of how dysfuntional they both are. very extreme mood swings, agressiveness, agitation, erratic behavior etc. no i dont think they're just toxic people, i think my mom her mom genuinely have some mental disorder because its only them who act that way. it makes me think that she possibly passed it down to us bc all of her kids are very dysfunctional and have extrreme issues as well. while im trying my best to be a better person, i think this also factors into my thinking and personality. like i said, im not diagnosing anyone and im not an expert this is just speculation. but yea thats what i was thinking about today. my mom is rlly funny and we have a good relationship, its just that sometimes she can be really mental. she'll have extreme mood swings and be extremely agressive and rude without control. one moment we'll be laughing along with her making jokes (bc she shares our humor) and the next she'll be screaming and yelling. i love my mom but i wish she wold take her medication, even if she wasn't herself anymore. i don't want her to have any more violent outbursts bc of being unmedicated.
[12.9.21; 8:47am] omg hi guys i woke up so early today aowowoa i was talking w someone abt something and i realized u know, some people dont grow up with u. i mean like ive known this before but it didnt rlly hit me until they had told me. people will grow but sometimes they wont grow with u. also ive been thinking again abt how i used to act like;; damn i was such a fucking baby LOL whenever i was excluded or bottled up my feelings, i got angry at the ppl who 'did' that to me instead of trying to include myself or tell them how i truly felt ahwwgh;;; you know what tho its all behind me now bcwhen u realize ur own issues u grow from them!! well actually not all the time but when u make the effort to stop that habit ur growing. anyways ive been working steadily on my commissions and im feeling sooo good awhwgwh

[10:42pm] oh my god im so sorry for posing so much :sob: anyways earlier i was talking to my sister abt my creepo stalker from middle school who was pissed i turned him down and then proceeded to obsess over me for YEARS. ill talk more indepth abt it tmrw but im almost 100% sure he spread untrue rumors about me in school which is why i switched to in pperson, bc i was getting ostrsized and bullied. its all dandy tho bc his previous bestie went to juvie for trying to kill someone. cant imagine being friends w smoeone like that!! anyways im very happy with the progress ive made on my commissions awawawa im very slow but im working hard!! goodnight everyone!
[10:26pm] god sorry for posting so much awgwhwg i just htink this blog is good therapy for me.
[10:14pm] ive been doing a lot of thinking and like;;; i really want to keep my friends this time. i really want to value and cherish them bc after all these years of blaming everyone else for my own actions, ive some to realize the problem is me. i complain about wanting to change and i never do it, so im trying now. i really want to strive to be a better person and grow out of the child i used to be. theres no excuses or justifications for my actions when ive hurt people, all i can do is move on from it and try to be better. lately ive tried talking more with strangers and going out and doing things, i used to be so hateful bc i was alone all the time and i blamed everyone else for when i was upset. im trying now to change bc u know what they say, its never too late. i hope one day in the future i can apologize to the ppl ive hurt bc i know it wasnt their fault for anything that happened, it was mine for acting half heartedly and being absolutely awful. so this time i want to communicate and get my feelings across so there wont be misunderstandings at all. thats just what im thinking!! sometimes i will get upset or angry about something someone does, but its not like i hate them. i just dont agree with it. but u never have to agree to be polite abt it. awowoaoao thats all! thanks to the ppl who read my diary. i truly want to become a better person and im trying really hard ^_^
[10:08pn] tl:dr for my last post: im trying to develop healthier habits awoooaowoao ^_^ ahh its almost been a month since i started this blog!!
[9:50pm] god im so tired awgwhgwhg i had such a long day;;; anyways i was thinking about how a few days ago i was super mad that ppl kept syaing mean stuff to me but then again!! its also on me for not properly communicating w people. i got super mad bc my someone im clos ewith kept complaining to me abt something but i didnt know how to respond so they got mad awhhgg...... i think i should really start properly communicating my feelings w ppl bc i dont want misunderstandings to happen when i esp get angry and then they dont know why. communication is evry key in holding and keeping relationships so i will work harder on getting my feelings across when im hurt. "u can always explain things, but never justify them" is what my sister always says. YOU KNOW WHAT. thi blog is actually very good therapy for myself while i wait for a psycologist!! this time when said person talks to me abt their troubles, ill communicate properly with them that while i dont know what to say to comofrt them, i still support and care abt how theyre feeling. i actually feel so much better hwen i write stuff like this out. i dont wana be a hateful person anymore bc i used to bottle up my feelings and get mad at my frienda when they didnt notice, which was never their fault at all. totally on me for thinking theyd notice. i also thought abt that one deleted post i made in here once, when i said "what i did to those people was not ok, but what happened to me was not ok either." i worded that REALLY wrong. what i wanted to say was that while what happened to me as a child that made me the way that i am now was bad, what i did to other people in blaming and hurting them bc of my own anger, was also not right. now that im in a better head space, i think a lot about the things ive done to people i was friends with and how what i did really hurt them. i talked to my mom about this the other day too but when u say something, even if u dont mean it to be hurtful, it can really hurt someone. i dont want to talk bad abt ppl anymore so im gonna try and be more respectful about it. instead of getting mad that others were taking out their anger on me, i shouldve properly communicated that w the person and the ppl im close with bc i dont want to accidentally hurt their feelings. im really striving to be a better person because when i think about how i used to be, i become ashamed abt the way i hurt people i was supposed to care about. now that ive written this out, i feel a lot better and less guilty abt talking abt that person like that. while i do have fights and sometimes i do get angry at ppl im close with, i never want to actually hurt their feelings but instead get my own across. AH ACTUALLY you know what, i also think they way i wrote that paragraph from the 6th trying to get my feelings across was a bad way of doing it as well. never talk bad abt someone ever!! even if u dont mean to hurt them, it definitely will. i love and care abt the ppl im close with a lot and i want to stay together for as long as possible, so i will try to properly communicate my feelings from now on. thanks for reading this if u did!! welcome to my journey of therapy and proper healthy habits.
[6:08pm] actually had a pretty poo ass day but started feeling better when i was picking out gifts 4 my friends that live in different states!!i spent a while thinking abt what kind of things they would like and i think i got it all sorted!! wooaoaoaoa
[12.8.21; 10:46am] goodddd morning. im feeling a little more decent!! today im planning on buying some stuff for my friends to give them on christmas ^_^ im really excited bc i actually loveeeee my friends so much. i literally would not chose anyone else over them fr!! i also made some new friends in the disc server i keep talking about awwhwhwgwhwhw im going to search how to use thou prns so ic an be respectful 2 one of them, since im not someone who uses neos and ive never had anyone close to me use them. im dyslexic as fuck and using non-prn prns makes my brain hurt but i will try my hardest

[10:02pm] idk i feel like shart whenever i cant talk to my friends, like yes!! talking to ppl in this 1 disc server is so fun but i enjoy my time w my friends so much more. uggugeugreeguuh ^_^ feelingn like shart ass!!! i hope tomorrow will bring. good days
[8:05pm] god im literally going thru the worst of it rn. like actually . aurhhgh';;'; i keep having massive mood swings where ill be genuinely so happy and excitable, then the next moment im so ufkcing angry and sad for no reason and i dont want to see anyone. psycologist appointment could not be any fucking slower -_-
[12.7.21; 10:44am] good morning!! im in such a good mood today ahwhwg maybe its because im started to look up more =_= anywasy i just wanna say how much i love my freinds like???? im genuinely so happy i met them and we got closer bc honestly i wouldnt know what i'd be like without them. they make me so happy and have helped me overcome so many things and open myself up again ^_^ even if they dont know it, thru them ive become such a happier person. genuknely so happy rn

[9:16pm] hi im not angry anymore. i had a really good day at the mall ^_^ a guy who also works at the mall gave me a free sandwich and fries to take home!! there was also a nutcracker dance show at the center court!! it was so fun to watch all the ballerinas dance around to the music from above. im actually rlly happy bc ive met a lot of new ppl thru this new CS discord server and im having so much fun talking to people again. i used to be so shy and get scared and clam up to even ask a question but for some reason i just feel so comfortable in there!! everyone is so nice it makes me so happy to talk to everyone in there ^▿^
[3:07pm] god im so fucking mad i really want to cry im so angry ;; ; ARGHHHGGGHHHHHHH literally i do anythung and ppl get mad at me. WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO????? WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?????// so f ucking stupid i hate it when people are mad and they take it out on me AS IF I CAN FUCKING DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. GOD DAMN !!!!! literally do u think im gonna be like god and grant u all ur fucking wishes?? NO BC I CANT DO ANYTHING IM 16 I WORK PART TIME AND IM TRYING TO SAVE UP TO MOVE OUT OF THIS FUCK ASS STATE. literally stop fuckig taking ur anger out on me just bc ur mad. im so tired of ppl always saying bad things to me and then me going "its ok:)" ITS NOT LIKE. im not good at confrontation HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL U THAT UR WORDS HURT. im so fucking angry i dont want to talk or see anyone. ogd. literally i am also going through things and dealing with my own fucking issues, i just dont ever talk abt them bc everytime i FUCKIGN do i get dismissed and no one fucking cares !! damn!!!!! tried of ppl taking shit out on me bc they think its just gonna a-ok after. so fucking stupid i hate people so much i wish i was a bug
[12.6.21; 12:10pm] just realized i didnt update yesterday oops;; anyways ive been having a lot of fun trying to take my mind off my great peepaw ^_^;;; i have a lot of things to do so i will be busier

[11:51pm] I HATE BEING SICK WTF! my throat is sore and i sound nasily (to myself?? idk i sound fine to other ppl but i can HEAR myself in my nose) AND I HAVE TO COUGH LIKE EVERY 5 MINUTES ARGGHH THIS IS SO ANNOYING I JUST WANT TO DRAW BABES
[11:18pm] im rlly excited for chainsaw man part 2!! ive been a long time fan and the manga is seriously so amazing, i hope it will be about denji's life or the blood devil! i was thinking really hard about part 2 and how fujimoto tatsuki said it will be separate from the first, so i hope maybe it will be about the blood devil's new form and refinding humanity and solace like the first part!
[12.4.21; 10:20am] sorry 4 the depressing news yesterday. in other news, i have a lot of commissions i need to finish up T_T

[1:54pm] just got the news that my great grandpa passed away last night
[12.3.21; 10:07am] good morning!! im feeling really refreshed today ´_` last night i dreamt that a sickly boy who moved around a lot finally was able to settle down somewhere and make friends. they got really close but then he had to move again and he wouldnt't able to return or visit the city or his friends. then a few years later he returned as an adult in hopes to meet his friends again. idk why i dreamt abt that but it was rlly fun!! i was one of the ppl who became friends w him.

[5:16pm] oh my god sorry for typing so much. on another note, please listen to HALCALI, especially if you like funky japanese indie rock. (at least i think thats their genre, i dont know much abt music genres)
[4:57pm] its so dark outside already what the heck! last night my sister told me she was accepted into a college and is gonna go major in game design. it made me really start thinking abt the future bc while im fine w work all my life, i want to go to college too. i dont think ill ever be able to get in with my grades though. ive always wanted to major in fine arts or get into character design for games. ive never really thought about leaving this place, even tho i really want to im scared of leaving. you know when youve been doing something for so long, even if it hurts you or you hate it, you just do it bc its a routine. and then when theres an opportunity to finally stop doing that thing, you become scared to stop doing it? thats how im feeling right now. i think my devotion to my parents and siblings and the pressure from my family to be a 'successor' or do well and support them has really taken a toll on me. when i was younger i forced myself to grow up, at 12 i was saying i wanted to work a job and make money. at 13 i was talking about how it would be great if i could drive. it sounds like normal stuff but when i said and thought these things, it was from a silent pressure to become someone my parents wanted me to be. even now i have a sickly, disgusting obligation to stay with my parents and support them. not in the weird way, i mean that it makes me feel uneasy and sad but even if i want to break away from those thoughts it makes me sick to think of what would happen if i did. what will i do then? whenever i do anything, its for other people. not in the good, kind way, just the way i think people would want me to be like. ive always been that way, except for school. maybe thats why i refuse to do school work or get my grades up because it makes me feel like i finaly have control over at least 1 aspect in my life. it makes me feel like im doing something for myself. im getting sad writing this so ill stop it there. im just feeling a little down. i keep having massive mood swings where one moment ill be fine and the next ill feel sickly angry for no reason. i forgot to mention that i talked to my mom and she finally set up appointments to the psycologist for me, we're working on the psychiatrist but i hope this will finally help me out of whatever episode im going through. im startting to have gaps in memory, terrible judgement and increse in impulsivity. im also starting to be unable to tell reality from things ive dreamt or thought of.. this happens sometimes where ill have episodes of whatever i just listed and then be completely fine and normal the next few days or weeks. my mom also told me she has depression and anxiety and mightve passed it down to us, which makes me htink she pprobably has other illness that aren diagnosed (bc shes opposed to mental illness stuff, doesnt take meds and doesnt like the thought of me being mental) and mightve passed that down to us too. doctor said i need medication because it sounds like i have clinical depression. at one point in middle school when i had a therapist, she told me it sounds like i have seasonal depression bc i get more erratic during winter and fall. those are all just suspisicons though, not anything solid. especially from a therapist who tried to make me question my gender identity despite me clearly telling her i know my own gender. i hope i can finn=ally get help and live normally, but that also comes with my own effort to correct myself and my mistakes.
[12.2.21; 11:50am] i think i caught a cold, my nose wont stop running and my throat is sore. my nose also gets rlly itchy for no reason and it bothers the fuck out of me. i had a lot of fun yesterday talking w my friend bc we havent vc'ed in a while bc im busy a lot. on another note, im starting to get more into the whole 'closed species' thing. i still think that simple ones like just having horse legs, having a tail with extra accessories and other simple shit are boring asf. i like closed species with solid lore that makes them interesting and make me want to become immersed in it. not to diss other species, i just think that gatekeeping something so broad and simple or having the most boring traits are poop. ive been watching a bunch of haha ha's videos lately bc theyre fun to watch and i love yattong, shes so cute when she meows. she goes like "ah - ah ah eeuu"

[12.1.21] ITS DECEMBER!!!!!! guys did you know i love christmass wwwooooo aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa my favoirte christmas song is "Last christmas" thats all iw anted to share teehee

[9:51pm] i remembered that i have an RPG maker vx ace liscence and now i want to get back into making little poop games. theres not a lot of tutorials for vx ace tho so i might buy a diff version idk.
[8:24pm] i keep thinking about the life ill never have. ive always dreamt of being a normal highschooler with good friends and then becoming a normal adult. ive always wanted to get a girlfriend or date someone who i trust. im never going to have that life this is so sad;; with the way i was raised a grew up, i was never going to be able to have a normal life anyways. i hope that when i am reborn i will be happy and live freely and normal and be everything the me now wished to be. also im not crying or anything idk if it looks like that my grammar and typing is just bad bc i type too fast and my hands cant cacht up. i keep thinkgin that the only people ill ever be able to date are the weirdo extreme inclusive ppl who do w=shit to be woke for brownine points, not bc they actually care. i dont think im ever gonna open my hear again bc my trust issues are getting even worse; sometimes i feel like icant even trust the people who care about me. i really want to disappear off the internet sometimes and restart anew. im probably never going to do that tho bc i domt want to leave my freinds. AHGHH im so sad and in so much pain i have a headache i just want to cry and sleep =_=
[8:17pm] my mo rlly got me getting my hpoes up oh my godd. im so sad.m she literally was acting all supportive to me about getting a therapist and i had a phone call w the doctor today to get me reccomennded to ppl and then after when i asked my mom if she was gonna set an appointment for me she said no and "i dont get why ur depressed. ur always at home, u dont have to see people like u wanted. u have everything u wanted." im actually so sad because i was really hoping to get professional help for myself bc i am literally depressed like the doctor even said i needed medication bc it sounds like im clinically depressd. why the fuck di dshe even make the eefort to fucking set up an appointment for me if she wasnt going to let me do anything in the first place. this is literally why im still depressed and still wanna kms :^|
[11.30.21; 12:29pm] i forgot to mention that yesterday my little sasara nurude figure came in the mail ^_^ HES SO CUTE i love his little face and the way he sits

[10:12pm] WAIT...... i was just thinking that it would be really cool to code a website about a fictional world or species.... like the closed species in TH and DA. ok thats all!!
[11.29.21; 9:58pm] hellooooo everyone ^__^ today at work i ended up serving someone i was close friends with in middle school. she was with someone else ive know since elementary (which is such a weird crazy coiecidence bc i was literally thinking abt her earlier today and wondering if she was ok) i got really nervous and started shaking and messing up while serving bc i dont like meeting people i know while at work or in public. anyways i forgot abt it soon after bc my coworker was so fucking lazy and we had to stay a little overtime bc she could not be bothered to fucking clean while i threw out the trash (which takes 5 minutes, enough time to CLEAN THE DISHES) i left work rlly mad but u know what its ok bc i remembered that nagumo exists!!!! for some reason when i woke up, my throat was really parched. like not sore, but its like stratchy?? idk how to describe it just try to imagine what its like trying to say "ur total is 3.39" and then fucking it up bc ur throat hurts. u know what i think i have some sort of number dyslexia bc this one time i was working, i told this lady her total was 9.85 and what came out of my mouth was "ur total is 9.38" WHERE DID THE THIRTY COME FROM>???????? htat was literally so embarassing i hate doing cashier work bc i CANT READ NUMBERS....... also thinking abt my ocs a lot recently!!! especially nagu, marrow and dogma... which is so weird bc i dont really care abt ocs w/o stories but these 3 just?? yea. i love my ocs so much. ESPECIALLY AOBI. i wish she was real so bad. AHH i want to work on the oc tab soon so u can all see her!!! ok im rlly tired and my throat hurts and my legs r jely bc for some reason when i get nervous my legs go WHWHHHAHAAA goodnight

[8:06pm] helloooo today, because some family was over, we went shopping for ginger bread houses and made a bunch. we also set up our christmas tree (bc christmas is the best holiday next to halloween) and made our cats dance to christmas songs. i am also very hungry and in pain!!! damn!!!!! if i do too much physical work or overwork my body, i get super sore and fatigued. its not like i dont have a lot of stamina (which i dont) but after doing a lot, im just generally in a lot of pain. i get pains mainly in my ribs, chest or stomach. i have so many health problems but im scared of bills (do u get charged for going to the doctors?? idk but anyways im scared of money) so im not diagnosed w anything at all, just general physical problems. anyways today was really fun, and i enjoyed myself a lot. i love my cats so much, this is our first christmas with them and im SO EXCITED to buy them little christmas hats and treats.
[11.28.21; 10:44am] been busy these past few days with work and other personal things so i forgot to update my diary. i'll work on more html pages soon just not now =_=;;;

[11.25.21; 8:56pm] happy thanksgiving for those who celebrate it and happy holidays to everyone else. sorry for the lack of posts lately i feel like ive been floating through this week. today my mom made a bunch of eggrolls for the holiday. im getting really sad because im realizing i can never truly live the life i want to live. i cant be normal ever. sometimes i think about killing myself so i can be reborn as a normal person, but i still have a lot of things i want to do now so it can wait. not to sound emo or attention seeking, im just really sad. today i played one of my favorite games, tales of berseria, some more and i really just love the game so much. maybe ill talk about it more when ive finished it.

[11.24.21; 2:56pm] hi nothing eventful has happened and i have a lot of things i still need to do so no more page updates til then ´_` i really like the song "Why Do I?" by Chii. also i forgot to say but because my eye sight is getting worse and my lenses are getting thicker, i had to pick out the thicker glass frames at the eye clinic. so my new glasses will make me look like a stupid nerd. i dont wanna have big ol eyes like the cartoon characters w thick lense glasses but i cant fuckin see!!!!!!!!!! i dont know if i've talk about this before, but i dont really have any ambitions or goals in life to i chose the easy way out of a career: being an artist. yeah wooo!! i'm not good at anything else other than drawing in the anime/manga art style so i kind of want to be a mangaka ;; i dont have the motivation to learn japanese or anything, i just want to be able to portray stories with my drawings. idk if its a realisitc future for me, but either way its ok.

[11.23.21; 11:47am] first ever am post??? anyways hi i was thinking abt the fact that aaside will have a new game BUT IT WONT BE RHYTHM...... im so sad bc i rlly want to play argonavis and fujin rizing songs :(

[??] delted lmao;; i feel better u can ignore everything that was said here
[3:02pm] ive been listening to rav all day and ive come to realize that i really relate to the song Be and i also really need therapy;; i feel better but ive been feeling really down lately and the only thing that makes me genuinely happy is drawing and talking with my friends (and also playing with my cats);; omg i also want to make an oc based off an angel or sum and maybe make it my sona becaus yea
[1:19pm] im really sad i dont want to disappoint my parents but i'm dealing with a lot that i can't talk about with them. i'm listening to rav's VESTIGES album and its just make me sadder. there's a lot of pressure on me from my parents to be successful and make a name for myself while also setting an example for my siblings just because my older siblings are 'lose causes.' i didnt grow up with the older siblings or parents that would care for or dote on me like a normal family would. it's hard trying to live up to their expectations while trying to achieve my own dreams of becoming an illustrator. i don't want to disappoint them or have a bad relationship with my parents, i just think its selfish of them and my family to push all the 'older sibling' expectations onto me when they know i have a past with mental illness and can barely keep up with myself. i really want to run away from everything
[11.22.21 i forgot when i typed this] im afraid of disappointing my parents

[6:04pm] i just wanna talk about how much i love conceptual fantasy stuff. not like fantasy as in futurisitic or dystopian, but stuff like Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. idk how to explain u guys im so sorry LMFAO my vocabulary is so small, i just really love conceptual fantasy media. i love thinking about ficitonal creatures and inventions and how they would live and work and be used in the world theyre set in.
[4:13pm} why do people on tiktok try to imply that they have mdd by saying they 'shifted for 8 months' man just say u had a lucid dream. theres no need to try and imply or fake a disorder or illness that u literally dont have. its so stupid bc when u call them out on it they call u any kind of phobic to make u shut up :/
[11.21.21; 2:24pm] i was going to write something but i forgot;; im hungry ahhghh. i cant stop listening to Alice in Musicland, Raon's part is sooo good. i really love boyish sounding female vocals like her and Aina the End (´◡`) i also feel like im getting a lot better and more efficient at coding! i was testing some stuff out eariler and i knew in my brain exactly what i wanted it to look like and could properly code it ´_` although i couldnt get the link css to work on the aboutme.html for some reason;; i also dont know when im gonna add another html because i have other things i have to do atm like getting my blue card and work starting up again.

[9:46pm] i cant stop posting sorry guys lol,,,, anyways i thought about it and why does everyone on tiktok want to be pagan so bad?? like theyre all trying to be as special and non conforming to society so bad that they end up hurting communities. i grew up being raised both pagan and christian (not christian anymore) so its a natural cultural thing for me and seeing all these people join the pagan religion just because they want to be special is really annoying especially when they just want to go against society and not because they actually believe in the religion. no one ever wants to talk about it but in truth most of these teenagers on tiktok are doing way more harm than good in their progressiveness. thats all i wanted to say because im frustrated that people will just throw words at you and call you any phobic when you call them out for doing something harmful or ignorant to a community. theres nothing wrong with conforming to society and there isnt anything wrong with not conforming. its when you decide to join a community or use it in an ignorant way just to rebel that it becomes a problem. some people are so insecure about themselves, like hate doesn't fix hate. if ur so fixated on trying to 'rebel' against society just bc the beliefs and restrictions that u urself set in place ur only gonna be a hateful person. u can do things without having to hate and tear down others fr. ok sorry for the rant i just needed somewhere to talk abt this;;
[7:15pm] just rolled pure vanilla cookie; feeling good. i dont even play cooke run kingdom often
[6:44pm] its so dark outside already =_= i ate so much caramel chocolate and my stomach hurts now. for some reason if i eat any kind of junk food or drink my stomach hurts. dont eat 5 caramel chocolate bars in the span of 2 hrs. ; i havent played cookie run kingdom in like 3 weeks and i instantly rolled cotton cookie and frost queen what is this
[11.20.21; 12:40pm] spent my first 2 hours of being awake raking outside =_=;; i finally got commissioned for the first time wow?? absolutely crazy. anyways i started listening to dongdang again and hes vocals are rlly just so good. i especially love his cover of blue and telecaster b boy (coz the song holds a special place in my heart) ALSO SKIP TO LOAFER ANIME ANNOUCED??????? im so excited because i LOVE skip to loafer, its one of my absolute favorite mangas and i cant wait to see it!! i really could just non stop talk abt skip to loafer bc of how good it is. i love the characters, their relationships, the realisitic personalities, interacts and situations. im so absolutely excited for the anime!! i hope the manga gets off hiatus soon bc i need more stl content ^^;

[11.19.21; 10:29pm] hiii i went to the eye clinic today and the lady who works there (who has been seeing me since i was in 5th grade) told me my eyes r getting worse ^_^

[11.19.21; 3:01pm] testing